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I Hate Morons
Some days I strongly consider walking away from my lucrative career and retiring to a private island with my untold riches and an ever-rotating gross of the world’s finest prostitutes. I really do. And...
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I Hate It When This Happens
I had just returned home from work, and was in desperate need of assistance from my butler. “Montgomery!” I shouted. “Mont-gom-er-y!“ He materialized as if from nowhere. “Pip-pip, Master Carver. ‘Ow...
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That Was Embarrassing
I just had a bit of an accident. It happened in the pool, where I was high as a kite on OxyContin and Old Fashioneds while frolicking with a half-dozen rented women. Nothing out of the ordinary there;...
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I’m Cutting All Of My Workers’ Salaries And Impregnating Their Wives
You know what? I don’t care that dozens of spineless Republican congressmen betrayed their country by voting for the fiscal cliff deal last night. I really don’t. Because regardless of whether taxes...
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‘Dredd’ Is 2012′s Greatest Non-Porn Film
Sainted Mother of Nixon — my favorite flick of 2012, Dredd, was released on 3-D Blu-ray today. And as soon as my butler finishes whipping up my standard movie snack (consisting of five pounds of bacon,...
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No, I Do Not Have A Problem With My Bowels
I received an email today from a young lad by the name of Billy, out of Rock Springs, Wyoming. Billy wrote: Dear Mr. Carver: I’m a big fan of your blog and keep a picture of you above my bed, right...
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Big Pimping
It’ll soon be Friday night, and thanks to a visit to Paul Stuart earlier today, I am ready to do this thing proper. Don’t ask me how much this outfit cost, either. As soon as the question was out of...
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Once, Twice, Three Times A Loser
I received a call from failed Republican presidential candidate and former Libtardchusetts governor Mitt Romney earlier today, asking me to meet him in the city for a late lunch at Gramercy Tavern....
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Seven, Everyone’s A Loser
“For East Egg!” I bellowed, my homeland’s battle cry echoing off the walls of the dank and dusty back alley where I was engaged in a game of dice with three rather disreputable-looking gentlemen. I...
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Let’s Hope The Obstructionists In The White House And Senate Don’t Block...
Hot damn, the upstanding, patriotic members of the U.S. House passed steely eyed wunderkind Paul Ryan’s budget today. Which is great in and of itself, but let’s face it: Unless Comrade Hussein Marx...
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I Is For Injustice
Is For Injustice Following a long night at my favorite strip club, Boobs-a-Poppin’, I was en route to my palatial estate when a low-paid civil servant with a gun and a badge had the temerity to pull me...
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M Is For Mother
Is For Mother I was enjoying a mini-marathon of obscure German erotic cinema in the media room when my butler Montgomery entered with a pained expression on his face. “Pardon the intrusion, m’lord,” he...
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O Is For OxyContin
Is For OxyContin My butler Montgomery eased the Escalade into the darkened industrial park where I had a scheduled 2 a.m. meeting. I was in the backseat, wearing a black overcoat, tinted glasses, a...
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